Curtis G Kemmerer

Feeling Angry and Frustrated With Your Partner? These Tips May Help

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A lot of couples who come for therapy usually cite frustration with their partner as one of the major issues they face. This frustration usually stems from unmet expectations.

Expectations play a huge role in relationship satisfaction. Couples who are frustrated say things like ‘You weren’t very supportive of me when I quit my job to freelance’ or ‘You didn’t plan any special activity for our anniversary’. Constant frustration can lead to resentment and create an unhappy relationship.

Here are some practical tips to help you reduce frustration towards your partner.

1.     Communicate – You need to inform your partner of your expectations ahead of time because they can’t read your mind. If you want them to text you more often, or take you on more dates, tell them why it is important to you.

2.     Manage your expectations – Beyond the basic things that are necessary for a happy relationship, decide what’s really important to you and let go of some frivolous things. Remember that your happiness is directly related to your level of expectations. No expectations, no disappointment.

3.     Appreciate – Be grateful for everything that your partner does for you. Appreciate your similarities and differences, and your gratitude will help you unlock a whole new level of love, passion and satisfaction in your relationship.

4.     Don’t keep score – Keeping a mental scorecard of what your partner does or doesn’t do based on your expectations will only cause hurt and frustration. Kill your mental scorecard and remember that if they aren’t aware of your expectations, they can’t possibly live up to them.

5.     Accept your partner – Acceptance is key. Love your partner for who they are, not who you imagine them to be. Accepting your partner’s differences and peculiarities, makes them feel safe and respected. Judgement, however, causes them to feel blamed and become defensive.

6.     Understand your partner – Understanding your partner’s personality and motivations could help you be less frustrated when they don’t meet expectations. For example, if they hate sports they’re probably not going to take the initiative to buy you tickets to see your favorite team play unless you’ve told them how important it is to you. Rather than keeping score, aim to understand your partner’s way of seeing the world.

7.     Learn to calm yourself – Controlling your emotions and response when your expectations aren’t met can be the difference between a happy relationship and an unhappy one that’s bound to end. This means you need to take out time to settle and soothe yourself before talking to your partner about it.

Decide what expectations are important to you, and communicate them to your partner properly. If you are able to accept and appreciate your differences, then you still have a shot at having a loving and fulfilling relationship.

I can help you resolve frustration and anger in your marriage or relationship. If you would like marriage counseling or relationship counseling, please contact me.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

5 Ways to Reignite the Spark in Your Relationship

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‘The spark’ is a phrase that’s used a lot when it comes to romantic relationships. In fact, you might have felt ‘the spark’ in the beginning of your relationship, and as a result, the early days were very exciting for you and your partner. However, like every other flame, ‘the spark’ needs to be kept alive by both partners. When you think of intimacy, you probably imagine physical attraction, and sexual relations, however, intimacy is so much more than that. It encompasses both the physical and the emotional.

At the beginning of your relationship, you just can’t seem to get enough of your partner. You want to see them all the time, and they are constantly on your mind. Naturally, romance blossoms and intimacy is high and effortless.

However, as time goes on, life sort of gets in the way. Routine and the stress of everyday living makes it almost impossible to sustain high levels of intimacy without effort. It takes practice, time and effort to keep intimacy levels high in any relationship.

Here are 5 ways to strengthen the intimacy in your relationship, and keep your flame burning hot.

1. Do exciting things together- As your relationship develops, you are bound to form a routine. However, routines become boring. Shake things up by making an effort to do really exciting things together, such as climbing a mountain, going on a vacation, taking a special class together or going bungee jumping! It will provide a much-needed breath of fresh air in your relationship and help you discover new things about each other.

2. Have deep meaningful conversations– Talk about your relationship, your current lives, plans for the future and your emotional state. Try as much as possible to be vulnerable with your partner and let them see the real you. Lack of communication and bottling up negative emotions can lead to resentment. Explore the things that make your relationship work, and strengthen your commitment to each other. Having a therapist facilitate these conversations can make them really fruitful and rewarding.

3. Be thoughtful – Intimacy isn’t always about the grand gestures. Something as simple as writing your partner a love letter or stocking up on their favorite snack can make them feel incredibly loved and appreciated.

4. Make couple time- It can be really hard to focus on one thing in today’s digital world, and sometimes we unconsciously pay more attention to our gadgets than to our lovers. At least once a week, turn off all electronic devices and participate in an activity you both enjoy. You could watch a movie, cook together or massage each other. This gives you time to enjoy each other and connect on a deeper level.

5. Express gratitude- Every night, before bed, express gratitude for one thing your partner did during the day, no matter how small or random.This will help them feel loved and appreciated.

If you would like to improve intimacy in your relationship and strengthen the bond between you and your partner, please book a relationship therapy session with me.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

Marriage books

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Taking the time and money to come to a marriage therapist is a big commitment. Many people, especially men, don’t want to talk about their relationship problems with another person. For those who find yourselves in that place there are many books you can read that will help you understand the challenges and promises of being married and how to improve one’s relationship.

One Question That Can save Your Marriage by Harry P. Dunne, Jr.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny

Hold Me Tight by Susan Johnson

Love Sense by Susan Johnson

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by John M. Gottman

Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch

The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real

5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

 

Any of these can be found by simply doing a search of the title. Some are usually on the shelf of most book stores. Of course you are also free to give me a call and set up an appointment. Maybe I can help you get things back on track from the days you were both so hopeful about your relationship and the future.

 

Curt

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The First Therapy Appointment!

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Making That First Appointment!

Whether it is individual, marriage or family therapy that first call can be the hardest to make. Believe me. It took nearly 6 months of worry and obsessing until I made my first call to set up an initial therapy appointment. I had many reason for delaying. Some reasons were understandable. Some reasons were simply a way of avoiding the unknown. Looking back all reasons were understandable and all had an element of avoidance.

Some of those reasons include:

  1. I should be able to figure this out for myself and deal with my own problems.
  2. It costs so much.
  3. What if the therapist finds out I’m as broken, weak, confused as I fear?
  4. The therapist might laugh at me and I’d feel so ashamed.
  5. The therapist may tell me I’m hopeless and can’t be helped.
  6. It is so hard to imagine saying out loud how much I am hurting.
  7. It is hard to imagine saying out loud how sad I feel.
  8. It is hard to imagine saying out loud how empty I am inside.
  9. It is hard to imagine saying out loud how much I fear or worry.
  10. My thoughts and feelings frighten and confuse me enough.
  11. What if saying them out loud makes me feel worse?
  12. Who want to hear about my worries and fears?
  13. If I was just man or woman enough I could deal with this myself.
  14. Maybe I’m just making a mountain out of a molehill.

Perhaps you have these or similar thoughts about the therapy process. These are some of the thoughts that ran through my mind as I considered making that first therapy appointment call. I learned that they are all normal responses for those who have never embarked on the journey of self-discovery healing and rebirth of faith, hope and love that is the therapy process.

It took me about 6 months from the time until I made that first call. 6 months and I was required to be in therapy as part of my training to be a psychotherapist! I had the cover to tell others (and myself) that I’m not really in therapy for my own personal emotional pain, sadness, confusion or relationship  issues but because I “have” to for my training. So I know from experience that making that first call fro therapy is difficult and filled with worry, anxiety, and fear.

I congratulate you for considering making that call. When you call me you will find someone who has been on the other side of therapy room himself. You will find someone who use all of his skills, experience and own self-understanding to help you tell your story; to find your path again, to fall in love again; to experience life in all its abundance. So make that call even though you are afraid and worried.

Curt Kemmerer

Filed Under: Uncategorized