Curtis G Kemmerer

3 Ways to Stop Enabling Your Adult Child

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According to the latest census data, more than half of people aged 18 to 24 live with their parents, and roughly 13% of adults ages 24 to 35 do as well. While many of these young people are hard-working individuals, trying to save money to pay off school loans, buy a house, or start a business, some are simply children who remain dependent on their parents, unmotivated to live life on their own. These children, though they may not mean to, can become emotionally and financially draining on their parents.

Here are three warning signs you may have children who are too dependent on you, and three ways you can stop enabling them.

Red Flags

1. You are Responsible for Them

If you find yourself shouldering your adult child’s responsibilities, and he or she is perfectly happy to let you do it, you may have a problem. If your child is non-productive while you take on a second job to pay off his or her debt or pay his car insurance, it may be time to have a talk.

2. Your Child is Constantly Borrowing Money from You

It’s perfectly fine to financially help out your adult child every once in a while. But if your son or daughter is constantly borrowing money from you because they can’t seem to hold down a job, and if they constantly promise to pay it back but never do, this is a red flag.

3. You are Often Disrespected

Young people who are struggling to find their place in the world and start their own life are often moody.. But there is a fine line between a bad mood and blatant disrespect in your direction.

Does your son or daughter seem respectful and even loving when they want or need help from you, and then become disrespectful or passive-aggressive should you say “no” to their requests? Though you may want to give them the benefit of the doubt and pass off this behavior to those bad moods, this is a warning sign that your child is too needy in your direction.

Encourage Independence

It’s important that you encourage your child to be independent. It’s equally important that you remain upbeat and avoid being adversarial when talking with them. Calmness yet firmness will go a long way in setting healthy boundaries in the relationship.

1. Agree on a time limit

Sit down with your child and discuss an exit plan. Yes, they may stay but only for an agreed upon amount of time.

2. Have them contribute

Having no financial responsibilities while living with you will not help your adult child prepare for the real world. Ask your son or daughter to contribute to the monthly expenses. If they are currently unemployed, ask them to do chores like gardening, grocery shopping, or cleaning.

3. Don’t indiscriminately give money

Borrowing money to get on their feet and make a car payment is one thing. But you cannot continue to give your adult child money forever. You may lend money with the understanding it should be paid back.

Sometimes, having a heartfelt discussion with your son or daughter can be difficult. At times like these, it’s often helpful to have a family therapist, a neutral third party, guide the discussion and make sure everyone is heard.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Family Therapy

How to Talk to an Angry Teenager

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It’s well known that the teen years are the most trying time for parents. It may seem like their rebellion is personal, and that they’re determined to make your home life miserable; but in reality, this is a natural process. Your teenager is maturing both physically and emotionally, and their brain is still developing. When their frontal cortex develops in a few years, you will see a different person. Until that time however, talking to them can feel nearly impossible. Here are some tips for talking to your angry teen.

Change Your Parenting Style

If you have an authoritarian parenting style, you’ll need to switch styles. An authoritarian method of parenting will cause you to butt heads with your teen, resulting in increased anger and lack of resolution. Switch your style to an authoritative style to get better reactions. An authoritative parent explains their reasoning, gives consequences while taking their child’s feelings and other circumstances into consideration, and overall puts a great deal of effort into the relationship they’re developing with their child.

Frame the Conversation

When it’s time to have a conversation with your teen, first frame the conversation so they know that you’re not angry. If they think you’re angry, they’re more likely to get defensive or shut down. Because they’re unable to fully control their emotions or foresee the consequences of their behavior, they’re highly reactive and will immediately become irrationally angry. To avoid this, let them know that you are irritated, disappointed, or upset, but that you’re not angry with them.

Listen

Overall, it’s important to keep lines of communication open with your teen. You can turn anger into dialogue by simply making an effort to listen to and understand your teen, and ensure that you heard them and understand their feelings. Trying to give advice or enforce rules can break communication down when you need it to stay open.

Your teen is trying to figure out their identity as they go through many hormonal, growth and development changes that are out of their control. Understand that their anger is about asserting themselves or trying to separate themselves as an individual. This is a difficult time, and your teen needs empathy. Stay your child’s safe and secure base, so when they’ve calmed down or are growing out of this phase, they know where to come back.

If you’re a parent having a difficult time with a teenager, a licensed therapist can offer support and guidance for both of you. Call my office today so we can set up a time to talk.

Filed Under: Adolescents/Teens, Anger

The Importance of Therapy for Caregivers

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In the U.S., the number of people aged 65 or older is expected to more than double in the coming decades, from 46 million to 98 million. And all of these older people will at some point most likely face one or more health crises. From chronic disease to mobility issues, many of the aging population will need help with everyday tasks, taking medications, and staying as safe and healthy as possible.

While some of these people will get professional help from trained home health aides, a good majority of them will be helped by family members. Currently it is estimated that there are over 34 million unpaid caregivers providing support to their elderly loved ones. Many of these loved ones have their own family to support and work outside of the home. In other words, they already have their hands full and now have the extra “burden” of caring for their elderly parent.

What is Caregiver Burnout?

Caregiver burnout happens when a person has become physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from the stress and burden of caring for a sick or aging loved one. These people often feel completely alone, unsupported and unappreciated.

Being so busy raising their own family, working and taking care of others, they often have no time to give to their own needs. They don’t take care of themselves and find they often feel depressed, anxious, and have trouble eating and sleeping.

Most caregivers will experience caregiver burnout at some point. If this happens and the person does not find help, they can no longer provide good care to their loved ones.

It’s Important for Caregivers to Seek Help

Beyond showing themselves more kindness, compassion and care, it is important that caregivers seek mental and emotional help. A therapist can help caregivers navigate the overwhelming emotions that are a result of taking on someone else’s problems and emotional, physical pain.

The truth is, trying to do everything yourself is what got you into the state you find yourself in. Get someone in your corner and share your burden. This will help you breathe, feel better, and get your strength back.

If you are a caregiver experiencing burnout and would like to speak with someone, please reach out to me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help you.

 

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Filed Under: Aging, Anxiety

National Men’s Health Week

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Men. They’re strong. Courageous. Ready to go to war for the country and family they love. But men are also susceptible to disease and poor health outcomes. In fact, men are more likely to experience health issues simply because they have been brought up to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and putting others first should be their priority.

Luckily we have National Men’s Health Week, which runs between June 14th and June 20th. Leading up to Father’s Day, this week is a great way to celebrate the men in your life and encourage them to take better care of themselves.

Here are some things you can do to show the men in your life you want them to start prioritizing their health. And if you’re a man, here are some things you can start doing to take the very best care of yourself:

Make That Appointment

If you or your loved one has been putting off getting that check-up, now is the time.

Commit to Working Out

If you don’t exercise or do so just once in a while, why not make a commitment to work out on a regular basis. To start, it doesn’t matter what you choose to do. Ride a bike. Swim. Lift weights. Kayak. The important thing is to pick an activity you love so that you will do it consistently.

Eat Right

Make this the week you throw out the processed garbage and start eating right. That means eating plenty of animal protein, organic fruits, and veggies, and don’t skimp on healthy fats!

Be Happier

Your health and well-being are just as much about your happiness levels as about what you eat or how much sleep you get (did we mention you should be getting at least 7 hours each night?). Be sure to make time to partake in your favorite hobbies or activities. Start that woodworking project again. Take tap lessons or learn how to scuba dive. The more fun you’re having in life, the healthier you’ll be!

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Filed Under: Men's Issues, Nutrition

Therapy for Divorce

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When we say the words, “I do,” we never imagine that one day those words will turn into, “It’s over.” But the statistics point to the fact that many marriages do not make it. In fact, the CDC reports that 42% of marriages have a high probability of ending in divorce.

Why Should You Consider Therapy for Divorce?

When a marriage ends, it typically leaves one or both partners wondering, “what happened?” As a major life transition, divorce can be traumatic and mentally, physically, and emotionally draining.

Therapy offers individuals powerful coping skills that can help them navigate their overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Therapy offers a safe space to explore and share your feelings so you can make sense of them yourself. It’s a way for people to have a healthier outlook on their divorce and become empowered during a very difficult time.

Different Therapy Modalities for Divorce

Every situation is unique and will require the right type of therapy:

Individual Therapy

Individual therapy is incredibly helpful for those people experiencing depression or anxiety, or who view the divorce as a personal failure. This type of therapy can help you discover your own needs and a better understanding of who you are.

Couples Therapy

Divorce will never be easy. But with the proper guidance, the lines of communication can stay open and the separation can remain constructive and amicable. A therapist can help you both navigate those hard decisions such as financial obligations and co-parenting.

Family Therapy

Children are, of course, deeply affected by a divorce, and often the parents are too consumed in their own emotions to offer proper guidance. Family therapy can help the entire family deal with the feelings of loss and grief.

Mediation

Settling a divorce in court can be costly and exhausting. Many couples choose to mediate their own divorce through the help of a trained therapist. Mediation not only costs less and typically takes far less time than divorce litigation, but it may also help improve your lines of communication as you both move forward.

If you are going through a divorce and would like to discuss treatment options, please get in touch with me.

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Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Separation/Divorce

Tips to Manage Anger Around Your Family During the Holidays

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For many of us, spending time with family can be a grab bag of emotions. While you may feel love and familiarity, there’s also decades-long dynamics between you and your family members that may not be the most healthy. Your family might treat you like the teenager they remember, and you might revert to that role when you’re around your family without even realizing it.

There could be many things that make spending time with family a challenge. Old family conflicts, harbored resentments, and spoken or unspoken disagreements can make you dread seeing them again. If you have trouble managing your anger when you’re around your family, read on for some tips on how to keep your cool.

Define How You Experience Anger

People experience anger differently. Some might get more aggressive, some might withdraw, and some internalize the anger. By being aware of how you experience anger, you can better recognize when that emotion is starting to develop inside you so you can take control of how you respond.

Rehearse Responses

It’s very common for family to ask intrusive or inappropriate questions. You might have a busybody aunt who always asks about your relationships, or maybe your sister is constantly bugging you about starting a family. Come prepared with rehearsed responses so you won’t be caught off guard.

Set Boundaries

It’s important to set boundaries with family. If a family member is aggressive or rude to you, or is always making you the butt of their jokes, your silence acts as approval of their behavior. Because you don’t protest, they think what they’re saying or doing is fine with you. Furthermore, pretending their bad behavior is acceptable only gives them more room to continue the bad behavior, or to get worse. Set boundaries with family and let them know when things they’re saying or doing is not okay with you.

Cut the Visit Short

Sometimes the best option to keep the family peace (and your sanity) is to spend less time. If your family tends to have snacks or drinks before dinner, show up just in time to join the family for dinner at the table. You can also opt to skip dessert or coffee and leave a bit early.

Family relationships are complex and deep-rooted, and family are often the ones who know best how to push your buttons. While managing your anger can be challenging, learning to maintain control over your emotions is a healthy act of self-love. It will not only keep you sane, but it will keep your family relationships unharmed and intact.

If you’re having difficulty navigating complicated family relationships, a licensed therapist can help. Give my office a call today and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: Anger, Family Therapy

The Truth About Perfectionism

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We live in a society that values things that appear perfect. And I suppose there are things that can be perfect. Architects can draw the perfect straight line, mathematicians can solve an equation with a perfect calculation, and a chocolate cake can be perfectly moist.

But as human beings, we can never reach a state of perfection because we will always be a work in progress. Perfection indicates a finality – a finished product – but we as humans are always growing and changing.

What is Perfectionism?

Many people view perfectionism as a positive attribute. They believe the more “perfect” they are, the more success they will have in life.

Perfectionism is NOT the same thing as always doing your best. It is important that we always do our best. By doing so, we can experience healthy achievements and growth. But perfectionism takes this concept to the extreme.

People with perfectionist tendencies often have self-defeating thoughts and/or behaviors that actually make it HARDER to achieve their goals. Perfectionism also can make the individual feel stress, anxiety, and depression.

Signs to Look For

Most human beings, from time to time, will strive for perfectionism in some aspect of their life. As an example, that “perfectly moist chocolate cake” I mentioned earlier got that way because the person who baked it was trying to get everything JUST RIGHT as a gift for someone’s birthday.

But there are those people who are “full-time” perfectionists. They strive for perfection in all aspects of their life.

Here are some signs you may be a perfectionist:

  • You don’t like to attempt tasks or activities unless you feel you can complete them perfectly.
  • You are end-oriented, meaning you focus little on the process of creating or learning something and put all of the emphasis on the outcome.
  • You cannot see a task as having been completed unless it meets your perfectionist standards.
  • You tend to procrastinate because you don’t like starting a task until you know you can perfectly complete it.
  • You tend to take far longer completing tasks than others. This can be problematic at work.

Getting Help

Again, perfectionism is not the same thing as doing your best. It is a condition whereby the individual is almost incapable of feeling joy or pride at what they accomplish because in their own minds, they are never quite good enough.

If you believe you may have traits of perfectionism and it is causing you stress, there are things you can do to change your behavior so you can live a healthier and happier life.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.

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Filed Under: Anxiety, Depression

4 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

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If you’re reading this blog post, chances are you and your significant other have hit a snag in the relationship. Maybe you’re spending less time with each other and you’ve grown apart. Or maybe you do little else than argue these days.

All relationships go through their ups and downs. No matter the good intentions of the individuals or how in love you were when the relationship began, it is completely natural for a relationship to take a hit every now and then.

In some ways, these trials can be a good thing. Much like you need to break down muscle to build it up stronger than it was before, many relationships can be strengthened by challenges, provided your communication is healthy.

Here are some ways to improve communication in your relationship:

1. Recognize the Change

It’s important to be open and honest with yourself and each other. Don’t deny that something has changed in your relationship, admit it openly. You may also need to recognize that each of you has changed over the years. None of us stays the same. Our wants, needs, passions, annoyances, etc. change as we mature and grow as people. People can usually accommodate this change as long as they admit it has happened.

2. Validate Each Other’s Feelings

There are two words that are very powerful in communication, “Yes, and…” Effective communication is not about one person being right and the other wrong. Often, both people are right and allowed to feel their feelings. Try not to attack the other person or get them to compromise on issues. Instead, focus on simply being heard and hearing the other person.

3. Be Ready to Change

If you want to improve your communication as a means to get the other person to change their ways, you are really thinking about this communication thing all wrong! Good communication is not about winning an argument. This is not a debate class. Your goal is to better share your thoughts, feelings, ideas, hopes and struggles with each other. Don’t be so focused on getting the other person to change and focus more on how your own behavior could change.

4. Breathe

Managing your emotions is one of the most important skills when it comes to interpersonal interaction. How often are you ready to blow when you and your spouse or partner are speaking to each other? How does the communication breakdown once you or your partner have become emotional?

When communicating with your partner, or anyone, should you feel your emotions rise, stop, take a slow, deep breath, and let it out. Taking this moment is important and will help you not to say something you’ll regret or that will escalate the situation.

None of us are perfect. All we can do is try to be the best versions of ourselves we can be for ourselves and our loved ones. By following these communication tips you will be able to strengthen your relationships.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

Starting Over: Dating After the Death of a Significant Other

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Whether it’s expected or sudden, losing a partner is always a devastating heartbreak. The finality of the loss of the love of your life, and the idea that you will move forward in the world without them by your side, might be one of the most difficult challenges you will face.

If you’ve suffered the death of a significant other, have grieved and come up on the other side, you may be at a point where you want to find love again. You might have feelings of fear, anxiety, or even guilt, and you’re not sure how (or if) you should start dating again. Read on for some advice that can help you begin the process of starting over.

There’s No Timeline

In grief, there’s no handbook or checklist; how you mourn and move forward is completely personal. Whether it takes you 3 months or 3 years, your timeline is your own. When you begin to feel the sadness lift, and you find yourself yearning to share your life with someone again, it is probably time to begin the process of dating. Sharing every day with someone is a very intimate and special experience, and it’s healthy and natural for you to move forward with your life in a positive way.

Letting Go of Guilt

While it’s important to take the time to heal and recover from this devastating loss, it’s also important not to prolong the period of mourning. Your partner would not want you to live the rest of your days in sorrow. If you find yourself feeling guilty, know that your feelings are natural, but know also that you deserve to be happy.

Family Expectations

Your children and other family members who are also grieving the loss of your spouse may not be ready for you to date again. While it’s important to be sensitive to their grieving process, you must also remind them that it’s your decision to make. Keep in mind that their journey of grief is personal to them. As you remain sensitive to their process of mourning, remain true to yourself and move forward when you are ready.

Overall, when you begin dating again is an entirely personal choice. As someone who has suffered such an incredible loss, it can be a difficult decision; but it’s a decision that is only yours to make. Moving on with your life doesn’t erase the memories of the past, nor does it do a disservice to the spouse that you loved and lost. A new relationship will bring you joy and happiness, creating more loving memories you can add to your life.

 

Are you struggling to move on after the death of a significant other, and need support and guidance? A licensed therapist can help. Call my office any time, and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: Aging, Couples/Marriage

Creative Expressive Therapies for Kids and Teens

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Life hasn’t been the same for any of us for many months now. As we continue to try and adapt our lives to safely deal with this novel coronavirus, it has taken its toll on many, both financially and emotionally.

Kids have been hit particularly hard during this time. At first, many might have thought the idea of no school was “awesome!” But as the weeks rolled on, and they found themselves away from their friends and their routine disrupted, many kids began to feel depressed and anxious about the future.

Summer vacation is supposed to be a time of fun and freedom, but with many states still in lock-down mode and masks still being mandated, this summer isn’t filled with the same kind of fun and freedom as usual.

How can you help your kids deal with the stress and anxiety at this time?

You can get them involved in creative expressive therapies. These therapies, such as art therapy, music therapy, dance therapy, and drama therapy, to name a few, have been successfully applied in psychotherapy and counseling for more than 70 years.

Creative expressive therapies are valuable in helping people of all ages navigate stress and anxiety but work particularly well with children and teens. One of the biggest benefits of expressive therapies is that they calm the nervous system. When we are focused on creating something, our focus shifts away from the very thing we are worried about and ruminating on. Once this shift has occurred, we also have more access to the rest of our brain and our thoughts and emotions stored there.

But the real reason expressive therapy is so good for kids and teens is that it allows them to express themselves in a nonverbal way. Ask a young child how they are feeling about things and they are liable to give you a shrug. But give them some markers and paper and all of their thoughts and feelings will come flowing out onto that paper.

There are a variety of creative expressive therapies that your child may find very helpful during this time. If you’d like to explore any of these options, please get in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help your child or teen cope with the anxiety they are going through because of the coronavirus.

 

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Filed Under: Adolescents/Teens, Children