Curtis G Kemmerer

How Anger Affects the Family

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As young people, we learn to interact with others based on how our family members interact with each other. Once these communication patterns become established in our young minds, it’s hard to change them as adults. This means that any relational patterns that include angry outbursts or aggressive behaviors are apt to appear in our relationships later in life.

Does My Family Have Anger Issues?

It’s not easy accepting that you or someone in your immediate family has trouble controlling their anger. But the sooner you can accept it, the sooner you and your family can find help and begin to heal and learn more respectful ways to communicate. 

Here are some signs you and/or someone in your family has anger issues:

  • The person becomes overtly angry at a mild or insignificant frustration or irritant.
  • There are later feelings of shame and guilt over something said or done in anger.
  • You or a family member has experienced big ramifications because of an angry outburst. These can include lawsuits, physical altercations, school suspensions, etc.).
  • Extended family and/or friends have suggested you or your loved one get some help for your/their anger.
  • You or your loved one have chronic physical ailments such as hypertension, anxiety, gastrointestinal difficulties.

Getting Help 

Fortunately, you and your family do not have to live the way you currently are. Family counselors are trained to identify behavioral patterns that have been passed from one generation to the next. Once these patterns are uncovered, your therapist can help your family learn appropriate expressions and communication patterns. He or she can also facilitate healthy communication among the group, allowing each family member to share their thoughts, concerns, and feelings safely and without judgment.

Family issues do not have to be severe to seek guidance from a trained family therapist. The treatment provides all families the opportunity to understand one another better and communicate in healthier ways.

If you’re interested in getting your family some help, please reach out to me. I’d be more than happy to discuss treatment options.

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Filed Under: family

3 Ways Individual Counseling Can Help Your Marriage

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Even happily married couples can hit obstacles along the way. When this happens, couples can either go it alone and try to work through their issues themselves, or they can seek the guidance of a trained and experienced marriage counselor. While some couples feel their problems should be kept private, many more are finding the value of seeking help from an impartial and nonjudgmental third party.

Here are 3 ways individual counseling can help your marriage.

  1. Identifying Behavioral Patterns

Most of us are aware of our partner’s behaviors but unaware of our own. And, most challenges faced by spouses is the result of the patterns between them. But when you only see half (or less) of the dysfunctional patterns, the problems in the marriage can seem confusing and overwhelming.

A therapist is trained to help individuals recognize their own negative patterns and how they manifest in a relationship. The result is both partners are empowered and able to take a step back during conflicts as they occur, preventing escalation.

As a bonus, a therapist can also point out the strengths and resources they find in your relationship so you can leverage and learn how to nourish them.

  1. Change at the Root Level

Once your therapist has helped you identify negative patterns, they can then help you understand why they are happening and assist you in changing them. Most behavioral patterns are formed and ingrained when we are very young – before we become self-aware and before we’ve met our significant others.

Understanding why your partner reacts a certain way can create empathy and help communication. Once you’ve laid this solid foundation, your therapist can give you specific adjustments that can change your relationship for the better.

  1. Deeper Intimacy

A therapist will not only tailor changes based on your unique dynamics as a couple, they will help you practice the adjustments and encourage you to remain vigilant and consistent. The result is a deeper intimacy and a deeper understanding of each other with a renewed commitment to meet each other’s needs and desires.

While you may first feel embarrassed discussing marital problems in front of a stranger, ultimately a marriage counselor can bring you both to a more fulfilling phase of your partnership.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

The Healing Power of Nature

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One only needs to read a few lines from poets such as Frost, Wordsworth, and Thoreau to recognize the love for and connection to nature human beings have always had. Nature stirs our souls and imagination and brings beauty to our everyday lives. But it turns out, nature also brings a slew of benefits to our mental and physical health.

The Many Benefits of Spending Time in Nature

Research is now clearly indicating that spending time outdoors can have a positive impact on our health. Whether you bike, hike, or simply sit under a tree enjoying the sights and sounds, time in nature has shown to reduce stress, slow heart rate, improve pain, lower cortisol, and stimulate the immune system by boosting the production of natural killer cells that fight disease and infection.

In addition, time outside means time in the sun, and THAT means getting a nice boost of vitamin D, which can do everything from preventing disease, make our bones and teeth stronger, and improve our mood.

Give Ecotherapy a Try

Ecotherapy, which is also sometimes referred to as nature therapy, is a practice in the emerging field of ecopsychology. The idea behind this practice is that many modern people, whether they are aware of it or not, feel a massive disconnect from the natural world. When you think about it, our ancestors spent hundreds of thousands of years living WITH nature, feeling it under their bare feet, being outside, ebbing and flowing with the shifts in seasons.

But today, most of us are only connected to a digital device. Ecotherapy gets us away from our screens and out into the beauty of the natural world. Many clinicians, including myself, believe that the earth has a natural ability to balance us. When we get back in touch with the systems of nature, we can experience improved mental health.

If you are feeling out of sorts and like the idea of trying ecotherapy, you can simply spend more time outside. If you would like someone to help you reconnect with nature, please get in touch with me. I am a big proponent of nature therapy and use it in my practice.

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Filed Under: Depression

Why People Misunderstand Anxiety

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Did you ever play the game called “telephone” growing up? One kid whispered a secret message into the ear of the kid next to him. That kid then whispered the “same” message into the ear of the kid next to her. On and on each kid would whisper the message around the circle until you came to the last kid, who would then announce the secret message aloud.

Often the final message sounded nothing like the original message. That’s because every person has their own way of hearing and sharing information. Sometimes it’s accurate – sometimes it’s not.

In this way, you could say that language is a necessary evil. Without it we would not be able to share ideas and information with each other. But when each person has their own language filters, information can become skewed.

Personal information and language filters can make discussing and understanding anxiety disorders difficult. While we all experience anxious moments from time to time, 18% of adults in the United States are actually affected by a form of anxiety disorder.

But how many times have you heard a friend or a coworker say something like, “I was totally having a panic attack yesterday when you didn’t show up!” They weren’t actually having a panic attack, they were merely concerned you were late.

When everyone assumes they have an issue with anxiety, they believe they have first-hand experience of the disorder and therefor know what it is. But using certain language that may or may not be accurate to convey a common feeling (ie – being nervous before a job interview) is not the same thing as truly knowing something.

Panic Disorder VS Social Anxiety

There are two main types of anxiety disorder and for this discussion, it’s important to make the distinction between each.

Panic Disorder

People who have been diagnosed with and suffer from panic disorder believe very strongly that the “panic attacks” they experience mean something is physically very wrong with them. For instance, many sufferers believe they are having a heart attack. Some may believe the dizziness and shortness of breath is a result of some serious and undiagnosed illness such as a brain tumor.

Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia)

People with social anxiety disorder experience anxiety when faced with social situations. They do not believe their anxiety is related to an illness or disease, yet have little control over their fear of social interactions. Their anxiety becomes debilitating when the person feels they may be singled out, embarrassed or ridiculed.

People who suffer from social anxiety disorder will do anything to alleviate their fear. This means decreasing the amount of social interactions they have on a daily basis as much as possible. This disorder negatively impacts the person’s ability to emotionally connect with others, and holds them back in their career and academic life.

Because of language discrepancies, those who don’t have an anxiety disorder sometimes believe they do, while those that do may assume they don’t.

The main point to get across here is this:

It is normal to feel anxious, fearful and worried from time to time. But feeling anxiety on a daily basis, to the point where you are concerned for your physical health or are compromising your career and personal relationships is not normal.

Anxiety Disorders Are Treatable

No one should have to live with a debilitating anxiety disorder. The good news is, anxiety disorders are treatable. A therapist can help to uncover the root cause of the fear and provide tools and strategies to cope.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Anxiety

How to Prevent Burnout

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Not many people get through life without experiencing burnout at some point. Whether it’s from working more than one job, taking care of a sick loved one, or juggling family life while going back to school, burnout is real, and it negatively impacts your life and health.

Common Signs of Burnout

If you think you may be experiencing burnout but are unsure, here are some of the most common signs:

  • Physical and mental exhaustion
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • A need to isolate
  • Fantasies of escaping
  • Irritability
  • Frequent illnesses such as colds and flues 

5 Ways to Prevent Burnout

Exercise

You know exercise is necessary for your physical health, but it is also fantastic for your mental and emotional health as well. Physical activity helps our bodies secrete feel-good hormones, which give our mood a boost. So be sure to commit to exercising at least 3-4 times a week.

Get Enough Rest

It’s essential to get enough restorative sleep each night. Sleep not only helps our bodies build and repair new tissue, but it helps us be able to feel calm and focus. 

If you have trouble getting enough ZZZZZs each night, skip caffeinated beverages past 2 pm, ban smartphones and other electronics from the bedroom, and establish a relaxing nighttime ritual like meditation, reading, or taking a bath.

Validate Your Feelings

“Keep calm and carry on.” That’s a fun saying for a throw pillow, but it’s not always the best advice. Sometimes it’s important to admit that you are struggling and that you need a break.

Remember to Play

Just because you’re an adult, that doesn’t mean you don’t need some downtime to just have fun. Whether you want to play a sport, enjoy a hobby, or go to the theater, be sure to make time each week to enjoy yourself and your life.

Ask for Help

During stressful times, it’s important to reach out to others for help. Sometimes all we need is a friendly ear to listen to what’s on our minds and hearts. Let your friends and family know you could use a little support.

If your stress levels don’t seem to go down, you may want to consider working with a counselor who can help you navigate your feelings and offer coping strategies to deal with the issues you have going on.

If you’d like to speak with someone, please reach out to me.

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Filed Under: Anxiety

3 Ways to Stop Enabling Your Adult Child

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According to the latest census data, more than half of people aged 18 to 24 live with their parents, and roughly 13% of adults ages 24 to 35 do as well. While many of these young people are hard-working individuals, trying to save money to pay off school loans, buy a house, or start a business, some are simply children who remain dependent on their parents, unmotivated to live life on their own. These children, though they may not mean to, can become emotionally and financially draining on their parents.

Here are three warning signs you may have children who are too dependent on you, and three ways you can stop enabling them.

Red Flags

1. You are Responsible for Them

If you find yourself shouldering your adult child’s responsibilities, and he or she is perfectly happy to let you do it, you may have a problem. If your child is non-productive while you take on a second job to pay off his or her debt or pay his car insurance, it may be time to have a talk.

2. Your Child is Constantly Borrowing Money from You

It’s perfectly fine to financially help out your adult child every once in a while. But if your son or daughter is constantly borrowing money from you because they can’t seem to hold down a job, and if they constantly promise to pay it back but never do, this is a red flag.

3. You are Often Disrespected

Young people who are struggling to find their place in the world and start their own life are often moody.. But there is a fine line between a bad mood and blatant disrespect in your direction.

Does your son or daughter seem respectful and even loving when they want or need help from you, and then become disrespectful or passive-aggressive should you say “no” to their requests? Though you may want to give them the benefit of the doubt and pass off this behavior to those bad moods, this is a warning sign that your child is too needy in your direction.

Encourage Independence

It’s important that you encourage your child to be independent. It’s equally important that you remain upbeat and avoid being adversarial when talking with them. Calmness yet firmness will go a long way in setting healthy boundaries in the relationship.

1. Agree on a time limit

Sit down with your child and discuss an exit plan. Yes, they may stay but only for an agreed upon amount of time.

2. Have them contribute

Having no financial responsibilities while living with you will not help your adult child prepare for the real world. Ask your son or daughter to contribute to the monthly expenses. If they are currently unemployed, ask them to do chores like gardening, grocery shopping, or cleaning.

3. Don’t indiscriminately give money

Borrowing money to get on their feet and make a car payment is one thing. But you cannot continue to give your adult child money forever. You may lend money with the understanding it should be paid back.

Sometimes, having a heartfelt discussion with your son or daughter can be difficult. At times like these, it’s often helpful to have a family therapist, a neutral third party, guide the discussion and make sure everyone is heard.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Family Therapy

How to Talk to an Angry Teenager

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It’s well known that the teen years are the most trying time for parents. It may seem like their rebellion is personal, and that they’re determined to make your home life miserable; but in reality, this is a natural process. Your teenager is maturing both physically and emotionally, and their brain is still developing. When their frontal cortex develops in a few years, you will see a different person. Until that time however, talking to them can feel nearly impossible. Here are some tips for talking to your angry teen.

Change Your Parenting Style

If you have an authoritarian parenting style, you’ll need to switch styles. An authoritarian method of parenting will cause you to butt heads with your teen, resulting in increased anger and lack of resolution. Switch your style to an authoritative style to get better reactions. An authoritative parent explains their reasoning, gives consequences while taking their child’s feelings and other circumstances into consideration, and overall puts a great deal of effort into the relationship they’re developing with their child.

Frame the Conversation

When it’s time to have a conversation with your teen, first frame the conversation so they know that you’re not angry. If they think you’re angry, they’re more likely to get defensive or shut down. Because they’re unable to fully control their emotions or foresee the consequences of their behavior, they’re highly reactive and will immediately become irrationally angry. To avoid this, let them know that you are irritated, disappointed, or upset, but that you’re not angry with them.

Listen

Overall, it’s important to keep lines of communication open with your teen. You can turn anger into dialogue by simply making an effort to listen to and understand your teen, and ensure that you heard them and understand their feelings. Trying to give advice or enforce rules can break communication down when you need it to stay open.

Your teen is trying to figure out their identity as they go through many hormonal, growth and development changes that are out of their control. Understand that their anger is about asserting themselves or trying to separate themselves as an individual. This is a difficult time, and your teen needs empathy. Stay your child’s safe and secure base, so when they’ve calmed down or are growing out of this phase, they know where to come back.

If you’re a parent having a difficult time with a teenager, a licensed therapist can offer support and guidance for both of you. Call my office today so we can set up a time to talk.

Filed Under: Adolescents/Teens, Anger

The Importance of Therapy for Caregivers

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In the U.S., the number of people aged 65 or older is expected to more than double in the coming decades, from 46 million to 98 million. And all of these older people will at some point most likely face one or more health crises. From chronic disease to mobility issues, many of the aging population will need help with everyday tasks, taking medications, and staying as safe and healthy as possible.

While some of these people will get professional help from trained home health aides, a good majority of them will be helped by family members. Currently it is estimated that there are over 34 million unpaid caregivers providing support to their elderly loved ones. Many of these loved ones have their own family to support and work outside of the home. In other words, they already have their hands full and now have the extra “burden” of caring for their elderly parent.

What is Caregiver Burnout?

Caregiver burnout happens when a person has become physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from the stress and burden of caring for a sick or aging loved one. These people often feel completely alone, unsupported and unappreciated.

Being so busy raising their own family, working and taking care of others, they often have no time to give to their own needs. They don’t take care of themselves and find they often feel depressed, anxious, and have trouble eating and sleeping.

Most caregivers will experience caregiver burnout at some point. If this happens and the person does not find help, they can no longer provide good care to their loved ones.

It’s Important for Caregivers to Seek Help

Beyond showing themselves more kindness, compassion and care, it is important that caregivers seek mental and emotional help. A therapist can help caregivers navigate the overwhelming emotions that are a result of taking on someone else’s problems and emotional, physical pain.

The truth is, trying to do everything yourself is what got you into the state you find yourself in. Get someone in your corner and share your burden. This will help you breathe, feel better, and get your strength back.

If you are a caregiver experiencing burnout and would like to speak with someone, please reach out to me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help you.

 

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Filed Under: Aging, Anxiety

National Men’s Health Week

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Men. They’re strong. Courageous. Ready to go to war for the country and family they love. But men are also susceptible to disease and poor health outcomes. In fact, men are more likely to experience health issues simply because they have been brought up to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and putting others first should be their priority.

Luckily we have National Men’s Health Week, which runs between June 14th and June 20th. Leading up to Father’s Day, this week is a great way to celebrate the men in your life and encourage them to take better care of themselves.

Here are some things you can do to show the men in your life you want them to start prioritizing their health. And if you’re a man, here are some things you can start doing to take the very best care of yourself:

Make That Appointment

If you or your loved one has been putting off getting that check-up, now is the time.

Commit to Working Out

If you don’t exercise or do so just once in a while, why not make a commitment to work out on a regular basis. To start, it doesn’t matter what you choose to do. Ride a bike. Swim. Lift weights. Kayak. The important thing is to pick an activity you love so that you will do it consistently.

Eat Right

Make this the week you throw out the processed garbage and start eating right. That means eating plenty of animal protein, organic fruits, and veggies, and don’t skimp on healthy fats!

Be Happier

Your health and well-being are just as much about your happiness levels as about what you eat or how much sleep you get (did we mention you should be getting at least 7 hours each night?). Be sure to make time to partake in your favorite hobbies or activities. Start that woodworking project again. Take tap lessons or learn how to scuba dive. The more fun you’re having in life, the healthier you’ll be!

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Filed Under: Men's Issues, Nutrition

Therapy for Divorce

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When we say the words, “I do,” we never imagine that one day those words will turn into, “It’s over.” But the statistics point to the fact that many marriages do not make it. In fact, the CDC reports that 42% of marriages have a high probability of ending in divorce.

Why Should You Consider Therapy for Divorce?

When a marriage ends, it typically leaves one or both partners wondering, “what happened?” As a major life transition, divorce can be traumatic and mentally, physically, and emotionally draining.

Therapy offers individuals powerful coping skills that can help them navigate their overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Therapy offers a safe space to explore and share your feelings so you can make sense of them yourself. It’s a way for people to have a healthier outlook on their divorce and become empowered during a very difficult time.

Different Therapy Modalities for Divorce

Every situation is unique and will require the right type of therapy:

Individual Therapy

Individual therapy is incredibly helpful for those people experiencing depression or anxiety, or who view the divorce as a personal failure. This type of therapy can help you discover your own needs and a better understanding of who you are.

Couples Therapy

Divorce will never be easy. But with the proper guidance, the lines of communication can stay open and the separation can remain constructive and amicable. A therapist can help you both navigate those hard decisions such as financial obligations and co-parenting.

Family Therapy

Children are, of course, deeply affected by a divorce, and often the parents are too consumed in their own emotions to offer proper guidance. Family therapy can help the entire family deal with the feelings of loss and grief.

Mediation

Settling a divorce in court can be costly and exhausting. Many couples choose to mediate their own divorce through the help of a trained therapist. Mediation not only costs less and typically takes far less time than divorce litigation, but it may also help improve your lines of communication as you both move forward.

If you are going through a divorce and would like to discuss treatment options, please get in touch with me.

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Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Separation/Divorce