Curtis G Kemmerer

4 Essential Relationship Elements of a Lasting Love

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When we’re young, we’re taught how to share and play well with others. Somehow as adults, these early lessons don’t always translate into building and maintaining loving relationships.

But, it’s never too late to learn new life skills, and creating healthy relationships is one of the best skills you can have. The following are the essential relationship elements of a lasting love. If you can master these, you will set yourself up to experience a wonderful relationship for the rest of your life.

Create Trust and Mutual Respect

Even the most loving of relationships is going to be put to the test every once in a while. All couples experience ups and downs and the stress of every day life. The key is to not take that out on each other.

Create a safe environment in your relationship where each of you can speak honestly and freely. Never interrupt or yell or belittle the other person. Should things get too heated, step back, and wait until things cool off.

Don’t Judge

“For better or for worse.” If you’re married, those are the words you agreed to. If you’re not married, you still made a choice to partner with another human being who has flaws and quirks just like you.

It’s important to accept your partner and not judge them too harshly. This doesn’t mean you have to like everything they do, and it doesn’t mean you can’t remind them every once in awhile that they need to scoop the cat litter as well.

But it does mean that you should try and be as compassionate as possible. Compassion is the opposite of judgement and it allows you to be open and fully connect with the ones you love.

Make Time for Each Other

It’s far too easy to get busy and neglect the relationship. Many couples get to the point where they become more like roommates than a romantic couple. Don’t allow this to happen. Be sure to make time each week to check in with each other and reconnect.

Be Responsible for Your Feelings

No one can “fix us” or make us all better. We must heal ourselves from old wounds and scars (and we all have those!). Our partners should be there to support us in becoming whole, but ultimately it is our responsibility to heal, not theirs.

These guidelines can help you and your love stay a positive force in each other’s lives. But let’s face it, sometimes life can come at us and before we know it, the relationship is on the rocks. At times like these, it can be very helpful to speak with a couple’s therapist who can guide you through the rough patch and get you reconnected.

If you and your partner would like to explore treatment options, please get in touch. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

The Best Medicine is a Treadmill: How Daily Exercise Can Treat Depression

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According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 9% of American adults live with depression. It’s also worth mentioning that a major depressive episode is the leading cause of disability for Americans between the ages of 15 and 44.

Antidepressants are commonly prescribed to treat people with moderate or severe depression. And while these drugs do offer some relief, they often come with some pretty nasty side effects such as:

  • headaches
  • nausea
  • trouble sleeping
  • dizziness
  • diarrhea
  • weakness and fatigue
  • anxiety
  • stomach upset
  • dry mouth
  • sexual problems such as low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, or ejaculation problems
  • trouble urinating
  • fast heart rate
  • sweating
  • memory problems
  • fatigue
  • weight gain

That’s quite a list.

The obvious problem is these side effects can make someone who is depressed feel even worse. But there is some good news.

Exercise Helps Beat Depression Naturally

Studies on exercise and depression are conclusive: Not only does exercise treat depression, it can also prevent it. In fact, researchers from Duke University found exercise to be as effective as medicine.

Exercise not only increases blood flow to the brain, it also releases endorphins, which are the body’s own natural antidepressants. Exercise also releases other neurotransmitters, like serotonin, which lift mood.

The really good news is, it only takes moderate exercise three times a week to reap the antidepressant benefits. You don’t have to train for a marathon or a triathlon to feel better. Here are a few exercise ideas to get you started:

Walk Your Dog

Take your dog(s) for a half hour walk around the neighborhood. Not only will your body release endorphins but your dog’s health will also benefit from routine exercise.

Go for a Bike Ride

Family bike rides are a great way to bond and get a good workout at the same time. If the weather doesn’t permit outdoor biking, a stationary bike is a good investment.

Swim

Swimming is one of the absolute best total body exercises. As a bonus, the steady movements through water also has a naturally calming effect.

Walk at Lunch

Grab a few friends and/or colleagues on your lunch break and go for a half hour walk.

Exercise doesn’t have to be hard or complicated. Whatever form you like, commit to doing that at least three times a week and see if you don’t start to feel better.

You may also want to speak with a therapist, who can help you navigate your emotions and offer tools for coping. If you’d like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Depression

5 Free Ways to Improve Your Mental Health

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When we talk about our mental health, we’re talking about much more than a clinical diagnosis. Your mental health also refers to your psychological well-being. Having a healthy psychological well-being means you’re able to better manage your emotions as well as your mood. Every day presents its unique challenges, and a healthy mental state can help you take challenges in stride.

1. Positive Affirmations

Repeating an affirmation can help you create a positive mental outlook that will be a driving force in your life. Use a search engine to look up “positive affirmations” and you’ll find several ideas of words and phrases that resonate with you, and things you struggle with. You can also try searching for something more specific, such as “positive affirmations for women” or “positive affirmations to improve self esteem”.

Repeat your phrase or phrases during meditation, either out loud or in your mind. Repeating affirmations or mantras during consistent meditation practices can help you overcome negative self-talk, which will greatly improve your mental health.

2. Gratitude

Practicing gratitude will sharpen your attention towards the positive aspects of your life. By focusing on what’s good, you’ll start to notice and appreciate other positive things in your life. Gratitude is more than just a feeling; it is a choice. By choosing to be grateful, you can keep your mind distracted from negative thoughts.

3. Eat Healthy

Eating healthy is a vital part of positive mental health. Eating a balanced diet of fruits, vegetables, lean protein and whole grains will slowly release energy into your bloodstream, creating a consistent level of energy that won’t leave you feeling tired or sluggish. Eating healthy will also provide a mental boost because you’ll feel good about your healthy food choices.

4. Sunshine

Sunshine is a great way to boost your mood. Put on some comfortable walking shoes and take a leisurely walk around your neighborhood, or a local park. Exposure to sunlight will help your brain release serotonin which will boost your mood, and help you feel more calm and focused.

5. Get Some Sleep

A good night’s sleep is a vital part of a healthy lifestyle. When you’re well rested, you’re naturally energized. Regular sleep also boosts your immune system as well as your cognitive and mental health.

 

You have the power to improve your mood. By making some healthy additions to your daily routines, you can develop regular habits that will improve your overall mental well-being.

Are you having trouble staying positive or managing your moods? A licensed mental health professional can help you find better coping strategies, and offer additional support and guidance to help you live a more balanced life. Call my office today, and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: General

Why Did I Feel Fine Yesterday? The Causes of Depression

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With 322 million people suffering with depression worldwide, it’s not surprising to learn that in America, depression is among the most common mental disorders. The cause of depression is often simplified as a chemical imbalance in the brain, but the reality is that the disease is far more complicated. Scientific research has yet to completely understand the biology of depression. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, depression is caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental and psychological factors.

What Causes Depression?

The disease of depression is the complicated combination previously described; this disease gives you the predisposition to fall into a depression after having experienced a negative external event. For example, getting fired from a job might send one person into a deep depression, while another simply bounces back after experiencing the initial sadness and disappointment.

Many experts in the cognitive behavioral field believe that depression is caused by, and worsens, with distorted negative thinking. The emotions you experience during an episode of depression are created by negative thoughts and perceptions. Your feelings will result from the meaning you attach to those thoughts. If you eliminate distorted, negative thoughts, you will find it easier to cope with the negative event that triggered your depression.

Why Did I Feel Fine Yesterday?

If you felt fine yesterday, but today feel depressed and hopeless, distorted thinking may be to blame. As an example, let’s say you woke up late and had to rush to work. This put you in a bad mood, and you started thinking distorted negative thoughts. “I’m always late. I’m a loser. My boss is going to be angry at me all day. He probably hates me anyway. I’m going to get fired.” As the day goes on, every event will be processed through this negative filter, causing you to feel worse.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a form of psychotherapy that helps you challenge negative patterns of thought. By challenging these thoughts, you can improve your mood. For example, “I’m always late.” This is an overgeneralization. More than likely, you have not been late that often. If this is something you want to change, you can alter your schedule and habits to become more punctual.

Depression is a complicated illness, and as such is best managed by comprehensive treatment. If you’re suffering from depression, a licensed therapist can help you understand your mood disorder and develop strategies to cope with and improve your symptoms. Together, we can develop a plan for you to create the life you want to live. Give my office a call today, and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: Depression

“Who Wears the Pants?” Advice for Balancing the Power in Your Relationship

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When it comes to relationships, it seems there is often a driving force behind the couple, or one partner who seems to always have the upper hand. This is often referred to as “wearing the pants.” The partner who “wears the pants” is the one most often in control of the relationship.

“Wearing the Pants”

But what does it mean to have control in a relationship? For one partner to have more control over the other often means that one partner in the relationship is more committed to and interested in it than the other. If one partner is less interested than the other, then the partner with more interest is frequently the one giving up their power in the relationship. This partner may do a lot of chasing and begging while the other wields the upper hand, giving little.

Self-Respect

To avoid this scenario, each person in the relationship must value themselves. Each person should see themselves as “a catch” – a person with value, who deserves an equal and loving partnership.

Maintaining a balance of power in a relationship requires self-respect. If one person in the relationship doesn’t value themselves and they’re willing to do anything to keep the other person in a relationship, they are also setting the relationship up to fail. The person in control will lose respect and attraction, while the person giving up control will build resentment towards their partner.

Balancing Power

To create or maintain balance in your relationship, you must learn to stand your ground. Make your demands known, figure out what your deal breakers are, and be prepared to walk away if necessary.

As you make your needs known, be sure to do so in a calm manner and don’t create an argument. If there are important things that your partner needs to change, set a time limit. For example, if they frequently put you down or name-call, give them a period of time in which they have to make significant improvement. Know in advance what you’re willing to accept, and what behavior is unacceptable. It’s possible that your partner won’t change, and if so you need to be prepared to walk away while your self-esteem is still intact.

 

Are you having difficulties in your relationship, and require the help and guidance of a licensed professional? Call my office today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, General

5 Tips for Supporting a Depressed Parent

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Dealing with a loved one who is depressed is always tough. When that loved one happens to be a parent, the roles flip and you become responsible for their mental health care. Older people get depressed for a variety of reasons such as declining physical ability, a chronic physical illness (e.g stroke), friends and family dying, history of anxiety/depression, and dissatisfaction with how they lived their life. For example, they may feel like they didn’t accomplish enough.

A lot of seniors are flippant about depression, equate it to weakness, and refuse to talk about their mental health for fear of burdening their loved ones. How can you support a depressed parent? Here are some helpful tips.

1.  Look out for the symptoms– Older people are unlikely to bring up their mental health struggles, so you need to be very observant. Look out for the following, they are signs that your parent might be depressed.

  • A sudden change in eating or sleeping habits
  • A visible struggle with getting older
  • A struggle with a physical illness
  • Frequent talks about death or an expressed desire to self-harm

2. Encourage them to see a therapist– Gently suggest that your parent see a therapist to discuss the symptoms they are experiencing. Make sure you suggest it in a way that doesn’t make them feel bad or weak. Schedule an appointment on their behalf and go with them the first time. Monitor them to make sure they attend sessions regularly and take their medication (if this applies). 

3. Offer your love and care- Make a greater effort to be there for them and do things that will make their lives easier. For example, you can help them get groceries and do laundry. Make sure you offer help in a way that doesn’t make them feel like they aren’t capable of taking care of themselves. For many elderly people, admitting that they’re depressed and need help can be difficult.

4. Talk to them about their feelings– Have open and honest conversations about how they’re feeling. Make sure you listen to them and honor their emotions. Listening offers direct support and comfort.

5. Watch out for suicidal signs– If your parent displays any sign of suicidal thinking such as talking about death often and giving away family heirlooms or other important possessions, you need to get them immediate help. Contact their therapist, call a suicide hotline, or take them to your local psychiatric emergency room to prevent tragedy.

Watching your parent suffer from depression can be heartbreaking. It’s natural to want to force them to get help, but being pushy can cause them to withdraw from you. Take a gentle approach that makes them feel respected and like a competent adult. Practice patience, offer emotional support and ensure that they follow their therapist’s advice.

If you have a depressed parent and you’re looking for a therapist who is experienced in geriatric issues, contact me to book a session.

Filed Under: Depression, Family Therapy

How to Help Manage a Loved One’s Anxiety

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When a friend or loved one suffers from anxiety, it can be intimidating or frustrating trying to help them cope. Panic and anxiety attacks can leave the anxiety sufferer feeling any number of symptoms, and you may feel helpless and unable to support them. Here are some tips to help you manage a loved one’s anxiety.

Listen

Let your loved one know that you’re there to listen. Hold back judgment or unwanted advice, and simply be an ear. It will help them to know that they can speak to you openly, and that it’s okay to be repetitive with fears or thoughts. Let them know that they can call or text you any time to talk.

Don’t Bring It Up Too Often

It might seem counter-intuitive to avoid the topic of anxiety with your loved one, but simply talking about anxiety or panic attacks may trigger an episode for someone who suffers with this disorder. It’s fine to ask how they’re doing or discuss their anxiety if they want to, but make sure that they bring the topic up to you.

Spend Time

Spending time with a close friend or loved one can be very beneficial for the anxiety sufferer. Exercise and outdoor activities are especially helpful; sunlight and exercise are well-documented mood boosters. If you’re both being entertained, are out having fun, or just hanging out talking over coffee, this meaningful distraction keeps their mind off of their anxiety and on the activity.

Be Patient

You may struggle to empathize with your friend or loved one, or you may have difficulty comprehending what it means to suffer with anxiety. Anxiety disorders are not just psychological, they’re also chemical. Your loved one may understand that it’s not logical for them to feel fear or anxiety about something, but you can’t expect them to control their anxiety with that same knowledge. It will take time and a concerted effort on their part, but anxiety is a treatable condition.

Recognize Accomplishments

Make an effort to express pride in your loved one when you notice improvements. Acknowledgement of positive change after they have put in some hard work will be both beneficial and encouraging to their recovery.

If you or a loved one is suffering with anxiety or panic disorder and needs professional guidance from a licensed therapist, please contact my office today so we can set up an appointment.

Filed Under: Anxiety

How to Talk to a Loved One About Their Anger

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Anger is a normal emotion; one that everyone experiences from time to time, and one that’s healthy when expressed appropriately. However, for some people, anger is an emotion they express far too frequently, and in harmful and hurtful ways. Their anger gets out of control, and begins to seriously affect their life negatively.

If you have a loved one whose constant outbursts of anger can make them unpleasant to be around, you may be wondering what, if anything, you can do. There are ways you can encourage your loved one to get help. The first thing you need to do is determine how serious their anger issue is.

Recognizing a Serious Anger Issue

While only a trained professional is able to make a diagnosis of an anger disorder, as the loved one of the person with anger problems, there are signs and symptoms you should be able to recognize. If you or others tend to avoid this person because of their angry outbursts, that is one sign of a serious anger issue. You may also be aware of other problems your loved one may be having such as trouble with the law, an inability to maintain steady employment, and broken relationships. If you believe your loved one may have a serious problem with anger, then your next step is to talk to them about getting some help.

Talking to Your Loved One About Their Anger

It will come as no surprise that you can expect the conversation to be tense and difficult. However, if you care about your loved one, care about their quality of life and you want to continue to spend time with them, it’s important to have this discussion.

First, plan out what you’re going to say. Be sure to rely heavily on using “I” statements to avoid them feeling defensive. For example, “it scares me when you yell” instead of “you’re always yelling about everything.”

Next, choose a good, positive time to talk about the issue. Make sure you and your loved one are as comfortable as possible. Be sure to remain calm when speaking to them, and don’t get angry yourself no matter how much they may try to provoke you to anger. Make what you have to say brief but succinct, and finish the discussion by offering to take them to an anger management group or workshop, or to help them find someone to talk to.

Ultimately it’s up to your loved one to seek help, or to continue with their path of self-destructive behavior. If your loved one gets angry and refuses to discuss the issue or seek help, then it’s up to you to create and enforce your own healthy boundaries of what you are and are not willing to tolerate. Once you set your boundaries, be sure to stick to them.

Are you or partner struggling with anger, and need help managing it? A licensed mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: Anger, Family Therapy

5 Ways to Cope with Anxiety as a Parent

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The hard work and unpredictability that makes parenting so rewarding can also cause a great deal of anxiety. Here are some simple ways to bring yourself to a place of calm.

Make a To-Do List
Ruminating on worries can cause lots of stress. Clear your mind by making a to-do list. Put down everything that needs to be done into your phone or onto a sheet of paper, and as you write them down, visualize yourself removing this task from your mind onto the list.

Watch Your Language
Many times parents believe things will get better when their children move on to the next phase of their maturity. However, the truth is that the worry will continue until you change your pattern of thought. To do this, watch the language you use to describe things. Don’t use phrases such as, “this will be a disaster if I don’t get it done on time” or “I’ll die of embarrassment if I forget.”

Also change thoughts of “I have to” to “I want to”. For example, instead of saying “I have to sign the kids up for karate” say, “I want to sign the kids up for karate because I know they’ll love it.”

Get Some Fresh Air
There’s nothing like some fresh air and sunlight to ease anxiety. Put your baby in a stroller and go for a walk around the block, to a neighbor’s house, or a local park. Take your kids to an outdoor mall or sit on the patio of a frozen yogurt shop and share a frozen treat. You can also try your local library. Some libraries also have outdoor patio areas where you can read with your kids.

Practice Mindfulness Exercises
If your anxiety is difficult to control, try deep-breathing from your belly. While you do this, concentrate on five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. This can help calm you when you’re feeling a panic or anxiety attack start to arise.

Use Your Support Network
Call your friends or family to chat or ask for advice. It may also help to vent with a Facebook parenting group or other online message board. You can also call your therapist and make an appointment and work through your challenges.

Try these tips to control and cope with your anxiety, and enjoy the time with your children free from worry.

If you find your anxiety to be impacting your ability to be a happy, successful parent, it might be time to speak with a professional who can help. Please contact me today for an initial consultation.

Filed Under: Anxiety, Parenting

When to Worry: Recognizing Signs of Trauma in Your Loved Ones

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Over the past several years, there have been numerous traumatic events all across the country. From incidents of mass violence to devastating natural disasters, hundreds of thousands of Americans have experienced or witnessed a disastrous or life-threatening event. In addition to tragedies such as these, anyone who has experienced a shocking or dangerous incident (such as a car accident or a robbery) is at risk of developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

PTSD is a serious mental disorder that requires medical treatment. PTSD can have devastating effects on every aspect of a person’s life, from their marriage and family, to their friendships and career. If you’re concerned that a loved one may be suffering from PTSD, here are some signs to look out for.

Reliving the Trauma

Someone with PTSD will have repeated, involuntary re-experiences of the event. They may experience bad dreams or flashbacks. They’re also vulnerable to certain triggers that remind them of what happened, such as sounds or smells.

Angry Outbursts

Someone silently suffering from trauma may be prone to anger, agitation, or sadness. Feeling irritable, the sufferer may be prone to outbursts of anger that they can’t control. If you’ve noticed your loved one frequently losing control and lashing out in anger, this is a sign that they’re suffering emotionally and require treatment.

Withdrawal

People suffering from PTSD will avoid people and situations that are reminders of the situation. As the victim continues to isolate themselves, how their friends and family react to their withdrawal will likely further isolate them, causing additional emotional distress.

Substance Abuse

It’s not uncommon for people with PTSD to self-medicate. Seeking an escape from high levels of stress and difficult emotions, they may turn to drugs or alcohol. The painful trademark of substance abuse is the growing need for more of the drug to produce the same high. If left untreated, as substance abuse grows, the abuse will turn to addiction and eventually dependence. This can have devastating effects on every facet of a person’s life.

 

If you’re concerned that a loved one is experiencing symptoms of trauma, the most important think you can do is encourage them to seek professional diagnosis and treatment as soon as possible. You can help by contacting offices and vetting therapists on their behalf, and volunteer to take them to an appointment. Assure them of your love and support throughout the process.

For additional guidance and recommendations from a licensed professional, call my office today.

Filed Under: Trauma / PTSD